Forgiveness

"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins."
Matthew 6:14-15
Lately I've been thinking about forgiveness, and how it truly works to forgive, and be forgiven. Lets say someone calls you a name or tells you an idea at work is stupid, and then later after being harassed by others says sorry. Your instinct response is that's okay, but secretly you hope someone does the same thing to them. So did you really forgive them?
Just as it says in the above verse Christ expects us to forgive each other, just as he forgave us. But the question is how do you truly forgive?
In my life I have had many people do things that have hurt me and that to this day I have not forgotten. But I told them I forgave them, pretended it was okay but inside I'm still hurt and holding on to what was done to me. This is where forgiveness is so hard. We've all said we forgave someone before but secretly held on to the fact that something hurt us and we build walls to protect ourselves and in some cases focus on making sure that person hurts as well. These feelings can builds up and turn into anger. Turn into a determination that this will never happen to us again , even if someone else gets hurt, doesn't matter, as long as you never hurt again.
Now I'm not saying every time someone says they forgive you they are secretly holding on to it, and that you have to watch your back or that everyone is walking around bitter and holding grudges. But we've all said I forgive you at one point and not meant it. If you got in a fight with a spouse,a sibling, a co worker, or even the car in front of you while you're driving you may have said you were sorry or eventually cooled down and temporally forgot about it. But then later brought it back up in a different argument or told other co workers about what happened in a negative way, or saw that car that cut you off and did something to make them mad. So did you ever really forgive the other person?
Everything that happens to you will affect and change your life in someway and I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, I just think its how you let those things affect you that can make the difference. I think that to truly forgive one place to start is forgiving yourself. You may not be able to truly ever forgive the other person unless you forgive yourself for being foolish and letting yourself be hurt or angered by what was done to you. Once you've prayed about it and God has helped you over come the fact that you feel like you have failed, then peace will come in and true forgiveness can be possible.
You may be asking how could I feel I failed if the other person let me down? Some may feel they have failed because of the fact you trusted the wrong person, you let different opinions with co-worker,sibling, friends, or the choices of the other drivers on the road burn you up and affect your whole day.
It still may not make since but to end I'm just going to attempt to sum up my thoughts. If there is anything in your life that you have not let go of cause you are still filled with anger over what an ex,a sibling,a co-worker or a spouse has done to you, maybe you need to ask God to forgive you for holding on to this anger and to give you peace. Even if you feel that the person does not deserve forgiveness and you have a right to still be angry think of what the point of that is? Why should you continue to let what was done hold you back. Forgiving yourself, and the other person can give you peace in your life. can get you back on track forgetting these worldly problems, and focusing on heavenly things.
If forgiveness still seems to hard think about this, you are forgiven and loved by someone who truly did not deserve what was done to him, but never held on to it and loves you eternally anyway.